The Earl of Forgetfulness

by Mark Saldivar

I am the king of forgetfulness and moronic moves.  In fact, if Forgetfulness was a medieval town, I would be its Earl.  Everyone forgets things from time to time; it’s a common occurrence.  Heck, some of us do dumb shit every day.  To reach my level, however, it takes a special kind of stupid.  If Forrest Gump and Rain Man had an absentminded love child, that would be me.  My latest episode of idiocy showed my in-laws what they let their daughter marry and gave them a glimpse of the awesomeness they have in store for their senior years.

The most recent incident occurred this weekend when I invited the family out to see our favorite local cover band in what was supposed to be the band’s final show.  We met up for dinner at Brewsky’s about two hours early to make sure we got seats.  After eating our food, throwing back a few beers, and some conversation, it was time for the band to go on.  As I looked at the stage throughout the night, I saw people readying the equipment, only none of them were band members I recognized.  It seemed strange to me that a cover band would have roadies, but maybe they were just that popular, I thought.  When the roadies started singing, however, I knew someone had fucked up.  I’d give you three guesses on who it was, but you’d only need one.  You’re right.  It was Gump Man Jr.

I was sure that I had checked and double-checked the date and time on Facebook, and was sure the show was on December 28^th, but when I logged in to prove it, I only verified the fact that the Earl of Stupid had once again donned his cape to show off his awful super power.  The band had already played on the 14^th.  I was only two weeks off.

Are you serious with this band?

The band that was actually playing there that night sounded like AIDS and made me want to cry for their poor mothers at having given birth to musical abominations.  Sadly, this moment is probably not even top 5 on a long list of my mess-ups that includes, but is not limited to:



·         Forgetting $150 in steaks, hamburgers and chicken from Omaha Steaks on the front stair of my girlfriends house on a 102 degree day while I drove home halfway across town

·         Forgetting to pay a doctor’s bill for so long that I got sued.  (and YES, this was forgotten, not just not paid)

·         Leaving my daughter at her grandparents all day because I forgot she was there

·         Going to pick up my kids from school when they had no school

·         Losing my keys and finding them in the refrigerator with the beer

·         Forgetting to set my fantasy football lineup resulting in me playing with no tight end, kicker or defense and only losing by 6

·         Leaving the front door of my house open the entire weekend while I stayed at my girlfriend’s

·         Forgetting my cruise card in the slot machine I was playing on my honeymoon which could have resulted in thousands of dollars in gambling charges that weren’t mine

·         Walking into the wrong house on Thanksgiving with a pumpkin pie, much to the surprise of the family residing there

·         Opening the back of my SUV to load groceries only to realize by the car seats within that it wasn’t even my car

I’m sure there are a million other things my wife could remind me of, but that is just what I can remember off of the top of my head.  Oh yes, it has been a long and illustrious career for your friendly neighborhood Fucktard.

Up, up and AWAY!!!