Ben's Baseball Bandwagon '13

As Ayers once wrote about me in 2006, I am "...a fan for rent in affairs of the summer diamond." Historically I've given the Royals 'til mid-to-late June to see if they can muster enough magic for a .500 record. That hasn't happened since Darrell May and Mike MacDougal were winning and saving games in 2003. As they currently are at 34 wins and 34 losses, thanks to winning eight of their last ten games. I can only assume they're desperately trying to win my affections. Unfortunately, they've also got an eight-game losing streak in 2013. They're in the bottom third in the AL offensive team categories, including a league-low 37 home runs (Chris Davis and Edwin Encarnacion have 42 combined HRs to date). The one thing the Royals did throw money at in the offseason (pitching) has done much better. But even with an extra wild card spot, ESPN gives the Royals an one in three chance of making the playoffs.

Let's see what all of the other teams have to offer. Let it be known that I'm a sucker for ex-Huskers, players named Carlos, Asians in the outfield (or infield for that matter), or players rostered on my fantasy teams.

Arizona D-backs
Pros:  Bob Brenly on the TV broadcasts. Their new shortstop helped complete my House, MD baseball lineup.
Cons: They've only disappointed me in fantasy baseball so far (Putz, A-Hill, Chavez).
Verdict: Unless they're defeating the Yankees in the World Series, they'll still be the D-bags.

Atlanta Braves
Pros: Detective Craig Kimbrel "Who is your closer and what does he do?" The story of Evan "El Oso Blanco" Gattis. My friends Joe, Craig and Lindy who would welcome me.
Cons: The Tomahawk Chop. Chip Caray.
Verdict: Like MLB umps with Bobby Cox, I'm ejecting the Braves as a possible bandwagon team.

Baltimore Orioles
Pros: They're a team with the perfect mix of castoffs and home-grown talent. Camden Yards. Cal Ripken Jr. Earl Weaver.
Cons: Buck Showalter.
Verdict: You won't be seeing me wear an O's hat alongside Elaine Benes.  

Boston Red Sox
Pros: I have a Sawx hat and tickets to Fenway in July. I've been a bandwagon fan since Nomar Garciaparra was dating Ashley Walker on Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place.
Cons: Hang around me long enough and I'll quote Fever Pitch.
Verdict: There'll always be a soft spot for the Sawx in my heart.

Chicago Cubs
Pros: I've already have dozens of pro-Cubs friends filling my Facebook feed. I like singing along with Go Cubs Go. They have so many players named Carlos.   
Cons: There are so many but I love the Cubs enough to not put myself through that.
Verdict: In Theo We Trust.

Chicago White Sox
Pros: My friend Shoe is a Sox fan. They're last in the AL Central (hey, even worse than the Royals). ♪ Where in the world is Hector Santiago? ♪
Cons: Most other White Sox fans (examples A and B), especially Ken Harrelson. Ozzie Guillen (still). By singing on his radio show, Dan Patrick ruined that Journey song that was the '05 ChiSox anthem.
Verdict: I like the Cubs and Royals so this White Sox thing is never going to happen.

Cincinnati Reds
Pros: Brandon Phillips and his rivalry with the Cardinals. Great American Ballpark. Shin-Soo Choobacca. The way my friend Gamo's face lights up when I mention the Big Red Machine or Barry Larkin.
Cons: They haven't promoted Billy Hamilton yet.
Verdict: If the Cubs can't win the NL Central, let it be the Reds.

Cleveland Indians
Pros: The movie Major League. Yan "Yanimal" Gomes. Like the Orioles, they've got a likeable team this year including a couples of Carloses. 
Cons: Major League: Back to the Minors. Their corporate ballpark name.
Verdict: Yeah, the ballpark name is a deal breaker. Sorry Boob Wickman.

Colorado Rockies
Pros: CarGo. Dinger! Rocktober.
Cons: I still believe Matt Holliday's 2007 face-plant that Rockies fans call "The Slide" was actually an out.
Verdict: I can't take the chance that Todd Helton and Peyton Manning will be hanging out with me.

Detroit Tigers
Pros: Billy Chapel. Douglas Wildes Fister. Nice ballpark.
Cons: They're in the same division as the Royals. Not a big Papa Grande fan.
Verdict: Had they not laid down against the Cardinals in '06, maybe I'd given a second look.

Houston Astros
Pros: Craig Biggio. The Killer B's. The 'ol tequila sunrise uniforms. I was on their bandwagon in '05. The train at the ballpark. Carlos Peña (current) y Carlos Lee (past).
Cons: The hill in center field.
Verdict: Already 19 games under .500? Maybe 2014 will be better.

Kansas City Royals
Pros: Nebraska's Alex Gordon. Bruce "Panamanian Devil" Chen's Karaoke skills. Frenchy's shenanigans, despite his stats this season. The Eagle Scout Jeremy Guthrie. Salvador Perez's success as the one of the few Royals hitting prospects to develop/deliver. The cautiously optimistic Royals fans on my Facebook feed, as well as the fan who isn't holding anything back (the soon to be Dr. Dungan from Ted E. Bear Hollow).
Cons: Mainly that two-tool player Billy Butler and Ryan Lefebvre (what if Milton Bradley had punched him).
Verdict: I have yet to try Billy's BBQ sauce. Dungan's persistent loyalty and youthful approach to the Royals is delightfully contagious.

Interception! Sign that kid to play DB across the parking lot.

LA Angels of Anaheim
Pros: MIIIIIIKE TROUUUUUUT. MIKE TROUT! That Darin Erstad guy. Jerome "Hootie" Williams.
Cons: Too bad Trout and Salmon were never on the same roster.
Verdict: Although my brother wears #27 Angels T-shirt jerseys often, he's still a Royals fan.

Los Angeles Dodgers
Pros: So many cool fans like Aaron, Curt and Matt. The national treasure that is Vin Scully. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. Yasiel Puig <3. Theodore Roosevelt Lilly III. Dodger Stadium and Dodger Dogs. What's not to like about an organist named Nancy.
Cons: The potential to be stabbed in the parking lot.
Verdict: I'll always be on the Vin Scully bandwagon.

Miami Marlins
Pros: Mailing this one in.
Cons: Mailing this one in.
Verdict: A classic example of sports welfare for you political types. No thanks.

Milwaukee Brewers
Pros: Watching Bernie Brewer's slide with my cousin Paul. Bob Uecker. MLB's closest tailgaiting scene to Arrowhead Stadium. Ned Yost is no longer the manager. Both a Carlos and Aoki in the outfield.
Cons: I have to be able to think of something to put here other than Rickey Weeks, right?
Verdict: While I have Sheboygan on my mind, the Brewers not so much.

Minnesota Twins
Pros: The new baseball stadium. Maybe go with the Kadens, Ruchs, or Sycuros. Brian Duensing. Mike Pelfry (go Shockers). Gardy's tenure with the Twinkies.
Cons: If the Yankees are the team I like to fail, the Twins are a team I fail to like.
Verdict: They've had their good years in the AL Central. They got pretty good at losing to the Yankees in the playoffs.

New York Mets
Pros: Home of the Aardsmadillo. Jon Stewart's Mets musings. The Mets loyalty from Joey Tribbiani, Jeff Bingham and Doug Heffernan.
Cons: Other than Matt Harvey, I don't roster many Mets on my fantasy teams.
Verdict: Unless it's a Subway Series, my NL East loyalty lies closer to the Liberty Bell than the Big Apple.

New York Yankees
Pros: Ichiro. The many Seinfeld references.
Cons: Too many to list.
Verdict: I can't ever imagine a scenario to bandwagon with these guys...unless I'm cursed and I root for them to jinx 'em.

Oakland Athletics
Pros: The right field rowdies in section 149. Since my brother likes the Raiders and I like the Chiefs, it'd be funny if he liked the Royals and I liked the A's.
Cons: Their stadium.
Verdict: I don't like Moneyball *that* much. C'mon.

Philadelphia Phillies
Pros: Saw an Independence Day game at Citizens Bank Park with my buddy Christian in '06. Tyler Cloyd. The Phanatic. Carlos Ruiz. "High Hopes" and the Liberty Bell ringing at the park. Doane's own Jake Diekman. The flyin non-Hawaiian. Dominic Brown's recent HR/RBI binge for my fantasy teams.
Cons: The sound of their window closing.
Verdict: By far my favorite NL East team. Pass the cheese steaks.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Pros: The Royals of the National League (who are actually 12 games over .500). Kyle's unabashed love for Jason Grilli. PNC Park translates so nicely to MLB.tv.
Cons: One of those teams on ROOT Sports (hate the network, not the team).
Verdict: Yarr, man the oars this is a boatwagon.

San Diego Padres
Pros: That skyline with the ballpark. Their bada$$ military presence. Almost all of their vintage uniforms. Mark Kotsay's wife. Carlos Quentin.
Cons: At the risk of contradicting myself, the camo uniforms.
Verdict: Still bitter that Jake Peavy couldn't pitch the postseason Padres past the Pujols Party in the previous decade.

San Francisco Giants
Pros: My friends Cort (here's a link to his new book), Ryan and Luke would be relieved I didn't pick the Dodgers. Beautiful ballpark. He's no Mark Grace, but I better list Will The Thrill here.
Cons: Not really a con, but it still stinks (maybe that signals the seventh-inning seagulls to appear).
Verdict: Maybe when I own a kayak I'll park it in McCovey Cove.

Seattle Mariners
Pros: Going to Safeco with Travis or Chris. HANK WHITE! The reason that I learned what alt-164 keyboard code: Raul Ibañez. Larry Bernandez bobbleheads. Iwakuma.
Cons: No Ichiro.
Verdict: Losing Ichiro is definitely a deal breaker.

St. Louis Cardinals
Pros: My friends the Kadens would welcome me into the Redbird family. New Busch Stadium. While they have expelled Tony La Russa and got themselves a Carlos (oh hey, another one lurking in the minors too), they...
Cons: ...still haven't promoted Kolten Wong. Old Busch Stadium. So many righteously pious fans.
Verdict: I'll support them if my only other option is the Yankees.

Tampa Bay Rays
Pros: They fit my "anybody but the Yankees" policy in the AL East. Their shiny new outfielder courtesy of KC, Wil Myers. Ben Zobrist (Julianna too).
Cons: Hell hath no fury like Kyle's unsubstantiated scorn for James Loney.
Verdict: I only look for room on this bandwagon once the Sawx are eliminated.

Texas Rangers
Pros: Yu Darvish. Lance Bazerkman.
Cons: Pierzynski.
Verdict: I'd sit next to Dubya or Nolan to watch Darvish. Otherwise...meh. Starting to worry that I'm forgetting something on this list but it ain't the Rangers.

Toronto Blue Jays
Pros: Munenori Kawasaki (the happiest Blue Jays player ever). Talking about Brett Lawrie with Josh, the Leo's Diner cook. The pitching rotation that includes Dickey, Wang and Johnson. The potential that is Dustin McGowan.
Cons: Cutting Henry Blanco (fools)!
Verdict: Spending all that money...who do they think they are the Yankees? And to become Canada's version of the Marlins. Ouch.

Washington Nationals
Pros: The best pitcher on their staff, Jordan Zimmerman. The unconventional and refreshing broadcasts with Charlie & Dave.
Cons: The ESPN-produced Strasburg/Harper hype is eerily akin to the Cindy Crosbypaloozafest.
Verdict: Maybe if I get to catch the ceremonial first pitch from RGIII.

So after checking out all 30 teams, I've narrowed it down to my familiar five bandwagons. I'm prepared to keep my wagon hitched to the Royals in the hopes that the offense will come around. I can't count on the pitching staying this good all year or the Royals being buyers at the deadline. But who knows, maybe they'll acquire some stud in a deal yet to be announced. If all else fails, I'll grab a book and sit next to Andy Reid behind home plate (no I can't confirm that's him, just like Jake, Kyle and Fooms can't confirm they saw him either). Either way, I'm comfortable on the blue bandwagon.

Playoffs or bust! Let's get Wilde!

"Damnit to heck, I like the Kansas City Royals."