Date Night: It Happened Again

I have a confession to make: I did it again.  As a man in a relationship, sometimes you have to make a decision that will cost you in the short term in the hopes that it will pay dividends in the long run.  Relationships are all about the give and take – especially when you’re married.  So, when Date Night with the wife came, I thought it would be a good chance for me to build up some equity by letting her decide the plans for the night.  That is when it happened, again: I was Jedi mind-tricked into going to the theater to see the final Twilight movie.

Of course, if you’ve read my previous blogs, you know I’ve admitted to watching and even liking Twilight – in spite the negative effect it’s had on my already questionable level of manliness.  So, I can’t pretend that I was upset or that I put up much of a fight.  What I will tell you is that watching Twilight at home is one thing, but as a man, going into public and purchasing two tickets to a movie about bedazzled vampire love is a completely different matter.  It’s like going to the pharmacy when you’re 15 and buying condoms – both you and the cashier know what is going on and all you can think is how she will be able to read your perverted teenage mind if you make eye contact.  What’s worse is your friends or maybe even your parents might see you, what then?

With this feeling overwhelming my thoughts, I devised a way to see the movie without fear of being spotted by any of my friends.  I went incognito.  All it took to pull off the greatest caper in date night history was a cunning disguise.  I donned an old wig from Halloween and a pair of my wife’s Lady Gaga shades and was on my way to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.

Is that Russell Brand?

 

Since the movie itself is only a minor part of this story, I’ll give you my review in three sentences.  Bella is even hotter as a vampire.  Bella’s dad is the best actor in the show.  The baby was computer generated and creepy.

The best part about the movie was definitely not the show itself, but the crowd.  First of all, I was not the only guy who was dragged into that movie by their significant other.  There were guys with their girls all over the place (I was just the only smart one who wouldn’t be recognizable afterward), and the second and most hilarious part of the night was the pair of 50 year-old ladies that sat one seat over from us and talked to each other through the entire show.  The. Entire. Show.

These ladies laughed so much that my wife actually jumped seats to the other side of me.  They clapped their hands any time Bella or Edward came on screen, like a couple of jacked up adolescents going on their first rollercoaster ride.  There’s something sad about two homely, over-the-hill Twi-hards emotionally masterbating to a teeny-bop fantasy show.  Sure, as a kid, what Star Wars nerd didn’t drool over Princess Leia in her gold bikini? But, if you’re in your 50’s and geeking out with your buddy while giggling like a drunk cheerleader, you need help.  The best part was during the big fight scene these women were just rooting out loud for Edward and Bella, like they were real and needed to hear their fans cheering them on so they could win a battle.  These women were a train wreck I couldn’t bring myself to look away from.  I missed half of it just laughing at them.

Note: Actual picture of us that night.

In the end, date night was mostly a success.  I earned the equity with the wife I was looking for and got out of scrubbing toilets, heard no complaining that I was watching too much football, and most importantly, she dressed up and played the part of Princess Leia for me.  And that, my friends, is why you should go see Twilight with your girl….after making her watch Star Wars first.