Thanksgiving Bottom 5

Ah Thanksgiving, the great American holiday; a time to be grateful and enjoy the company of family and friends – or so it should be.  Sometimes this traditional holiday ends up with family throwdowns, overcooked turkey, and hurt feelings (or faces).  I’ve been lucky enough to avoid some of these things, but I have my fair share of terrible Turkey Day memories.  I now present these moments for your consumption (enjoy them with your pumpkin pie):

1)      That One Where I Had Strep Throat – I was 10 years old when I got strep throat for the first time.  Everyone gets sick and I’m sure more than a few of those happen on a holiday, but when you’re 10 and it’s a day you’ve come to love because you can eat as much dessert as you want, you tend to be pretty upset that you’re sick.  My entire family left for dinner at my grandmother’s leaving me at home on the couch - alone.  While they were out enjoying time with each other and eating to their heart’s content, I was at home, by myself, on the couch with a throat that felt like I’d gargled a gallon of glass shards.

2)      That One Where I Had to Cut Weight – Actually, it was like 4 of them.  When you’re a wrestler, every Thanksgiving is during wrestling season, and my coach gave us a 5 lbs weight allowance.  This meant we couldn’t weigh-in more than 5 lbs over our WRESTLING weight.  This was especially fun my senior year when I cut 21 lbs from 140 to 119 in two-and-a-half weeks just to make weight to start with.  Thanksgiving is awesome when you can’t eat.

3)      That One Where The Lions Lost – I know what you’re thinking: which one?  All of them.  I assure you, it’s not fun to try and eat turkey while wearing a bag over your head.  Every. Single. Year.

4)      That One With The Screaming Match – I was young, maybe 6 or 7 years old, so I don’t remember much.  What I do remember is my mom and aunt going at it at grandma’s house.  We ended up leaving before dessert.  Fun.

5)      That One This Year – Let me just list today’s happenings, it’ll be easier.

·         Two thirds of the family ditched

·         The Lions lost – again.  My new aunt teased me mercilessly for it

·         My wife forgot the Oreo Balls we were going to eat for dessert

·         My daughter blasted my new wife in the face with a football

·         A spilling epidemic struck and people were unable to hold onto their drinks

·         Twister was played.  Seeing my mother-in-law contorted with her left hand behind her right leg and her ass in the air was enough to make me forget about the Oreo Balls.

We’re not even done yet.

Gameface, bitches.



After all of my crazy Thanksgiving Day memories, I still love it.  The holiday season is my favorite time of the year.  Sure, I could have written my top five favorite things about Thanksgiving, but what’s the fun in that?