I am talking about the manly men. The men with hair on their body. The men that don't wear skinny jeans. The men who don't pay more than $15 for a haircut (tip included). The men who are daddy's to their kids. The men who know how to fire a gun. You know, the men who know that it's their job to bring home the bacon and their woman's job to cook it. Seriously, I know you're with me, and now you are asking, "Where ARE the men at?"
Did you know there are men out there that are watching the Twilight Saga? Did you know that there are men out there that are abandoning their kids? Did you know that there are men out there that would rather stay at home and collect a government check than go and bring the dough home for their woman to bake? Did you also know that their are men out their that shave their chest hair? What? If we learned anything from Seinfeld it was from Season 8, Episode 21, "Muffin Tops". Jerry gets carried away and starts shaving his chest... eventually Kramer has to intervene and show him that shaving that shit just makes it grow back thicker and darker and stronger. On a side note, the episode also taught us that even homeless people don't want just the stem of a muffin, they want the whole muffin.
Here are some manly things:
- Guns: Guns are basically like having a second penis. They’re powerful... they shoot. Not all guys want guns... but all men sure do. Remember the 1987 Vietnam War movie, "Full Metal Jacket" starring R. Lee Ermey as Gunnery Sgt. Hartman during bootcamp? Sgt. Hartman had them marching in their underwear with their rifle and singing "This is my Rifle. [Grabs crotch] This is my gun. This is for fighting. [Grabs crotch] This is for fun."
- Grilling: Men grill… or barbeque, they don’t bake.
- Beer: After a long day of working with tools or watching football or living off the land or working in a cubicle, a cold beer hits the spot better than anything. In fact, beer has been known to cure the common cold, athlete’s foot, and getting bitched at.
- Football: Running into someone as fast as you possibly can with the intent of causing physical harm is manly. Soccer is not.
- Manly Movies: Let’s be
honest, men only watch chick flicks (ie. Sweet Home Alabama) if they’re trying to get some. To men everything exists to entertain us, including movies, so when we choose what we wanna watch... its usually something like Blazing Saddles, Braveheart, Law Abiding Citizen, etc.
- Balls: Now I’m talking literal balls and metaphorical balls. Ever watch a movie where a guy runs into a burning building to save a child? Or have you ever: Tugged on Superman’s cape? Spit into the wind? Pulled the mask off the old Lone Ranger? Messed around with Jim? These things take balls and that’s why men have them.
Here are some unmanly things:
- Get a “mani-pedi”: There may be situations in which a man is warranted in getting a manicure. There may also be situations where a man’s toenails get so out of control that a wife-mandated pedicure is a condition of staying married. But there are few legitimate reasons for getting both at the same time... And even if you do, there is no excuse for referring to the procedures as a “mani-pedi.” There just isn’t.
- Admit to watching any movie on the Lifetime channel.
- Pierce any part of your body.
- Care about fashion: It’s okay to care about style, but not fashion... there’s a difference.
- Stop and ask for directions when a woman is in the car.
- Wear too-short or too-tight shorts.
Balls to the wall, take no prisoners... no retreat, no surrender... take back this country... No country for girly men. Out!
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